39.2 - How can help?

Lesson 39.2

{geez, I need to hustle up on these...}

Hurting = grief, divorce, job loss, bad/terminal health diagnosis, etc. 

Often when someone is hurting the first phrase out of my mouth wants to be "how can I help"?  In the last few years I've tried to change it to "I'd like to help - may I...[insert helpful ideas here]".  

For example: 

• "I'd like to help, may I bring you a meal on Thursday?" 
• "I'd like to help, may I clean your house?"
• "I'd like to help, can I offer my husband to mow your grass?"
• "I'd like to help, let me do a Target run for you"
• Or sometimes I just do one of those things - in a moment of hard, especially grief, people don't know what they need or want. 
• A Target run example: toilet paper (yes, get them the good stuff, they deserve it), a few snacks, Kleenex, and then include a note full of love and truth.
• "I'd like to help, but the only thing I can think of right now is to pray with you"

I've noticed that if I give a specific task that I can do for them the person hurting is more willing to accept the help. 

So - lesson 39.2 is when you want to help someone try to name a specific thing you can help them with and they are more likely, in my experience, to accept your help. 

What are ideas for ways to help our friends and family during hurting time such as grief, divorce, job loss, bad health diagnosis, etc? 

39.1

39. 39. What?! 39.

If I keep saying it maybe I’ll get used to it.  I’m not exactly sure what I thought 39 would feel like or look like but it wasn’t positive - thankfully that I don’t feel a thing like what I thought 39 would be.

Technically I could be considered middle-aged. That would put me a date at 78ish to leave earth and *hopefully* meet Jesus – hmmm, seems a little young but none of us really knows. And really, I don’t care how old I am when I die if it means getting to go to Heaven. That’s going to be AWESOME!

I don’t feel middle-aged.  I know, I know – it’s all about perspective.

“Age is just a number” – or math. 2015-1976 = 39 (right? Yeah, that’s right. Math is not my strength)

“You are only as old as you act or feel you are” – well some days I feel 15 (pimples still, really?!), some days I feel 21 (however, not the morning after a night of feeling 21) and some days I just feel 85 (WHY does my HIP hurt…my hip? Again, really?!). And most days I just feel like…me. Not really thinking about my age. Just living life, being me.

I am waiting for when I’m going to “feel” like an adult. I definitely look around occasionally in a large group and think “thank God there are some adults here in case something serious happens”.

The best part about aging is – NO, not the “glittery sparkles” on my head, that’s just gray hair – the best part is looking back and realizing everything I’ve learned and to dream about how much more I get to learn.

Life lessons. Over my 39^th year I’m going to share 39 THINGS I HAVE LEARNED SO FAR. Lucky you.

First One ::: Be Nice.

Yep. That's it. Be Nice. Bitchy is out. Certainly, don't let people walk all over you. But BE NICE.

Sincerely Nice. Out of the goodness of your heart Nice. Because you can. Because you want to. 

I can give you all kinds of cliches on this topic, so I will:

 

  

 

Why be nice? Because Why NOT? The person you are being nice to feels good and in turn you feel good.  I used to be foolish about this and think that using a snotty tone, being bitchy and/or rude was me "being tough" or standing up for myself or sounding cool. It wasn't. It was hurtful to whomever I was acting that way to.  I certainly didn't like it when people treated me that way so why would I continue acting like that? No one wins.

. 

Being nice feels good. Very good. When I decided to start being nice instead of like a jerk it was hard, really hard. And then the more I practiced it the easier it got, the more sincere it was and it felt so truly rewarding. I wasted so much time being a jerk. Yuck. I had a nice person hiding inside of me and now she gets to live on the outside...because that is who I really am. No, not perfect. Just doing my best. 

Being nice doesn't mean that you let people walk all over you or take advantage of you, it just means that you start every interaction with everyone you encounter with a kind tone and smile. Easy as that. Some people will engage in conversation, some you'll never see again and some will become friends. No matter the outcome you know that you've approached that person with a sincere kindness. You may be the only person they talk to all day. 

Bob.

You knew it was coming. I can't experience a death and not write about it. Fortunately, I don't need to write anything from scratch for this blog post - I'll just post the eulogy I wrote. My cousin Chris did an amazing job reading it for everyone at the funeral as I wasn't able to read it myself.  I'm sharing for those of you that requested it and those that couldn't be there. #humbled

My dad Bob was a man that illustrated great dedication to the things and people he loved.

Dad loved Frosted Flakes, Snickers bars, spaghetti, fishing, gardening, John Wayne, his animals, his work at Children’s Home and his family. He was extremely dedicated to all of these things.

My dad never did anything half way. He was always a go getter and a self-starter, a project creator and finisher. You may not have known that you needed to build a lean to for your pet rabbits early on a Saturday morning and move an acre of horse fence before 10am, but he did and it was done efficiently and perfectly.   

Dad believed strongly in work before play. And he was a very hard worker. My dad worked for the same company for 34 years. He loved his job. He believed in what Children’s Home Society of Minnesota did for kids and families. But mostly he liked the people he got to work with; he made lifelong friends at his job, as did my mom and I.  We are very grateful for the role that Children’s Home played in our lives.

Dad loved John Wayne movies. My mom, dad, Nate and I really enjoyed watching old Westerns together, after the chores were done of course, and we would often bring up how those guys had grit. You know who had grit? My dad. He knew since he was six years old that he had Muscular Dystrophy and that didn’t stop him. He worked physically hard every day that allowed him. Then he had stupid cancer and that didn’t stop him. He wasn’t happy about it but it didn’t stop him. When people would call to check on him he didn’t complain. In fact he normally didn’t want to even talk about it; he wanted to know how YOU were and how your life was going. And then he had some heart troubles and it couldn’t be fixed. Dad didn’t stop. He slowed down. But he didn’t stop. Oh yes, my dad had just as much grit as any of those cowboys…probably more.

 We have to talk about his tomato plants. All plants, really. Every winter he would go through his seed books and decide what to order and what he was going to plant. Evaluate which grew well the year before and what tasted the best in mom’s spaghetti sauce. Then he would start his seeds and give them attention every day, checking on their progress, making sure they had the best light and correct amount of nourishment and water. Then when it was time my parents would transplant them into the garden, care for them, harvest them and literally enjoy the fruits of their labor. My dad was very dedicated to producing an excellent crop.  The best compliment you could give him was to tell him how delicious the fruit and veggies he grew were.

He did the same with me. Bob was my step-dad, but I’ve always called him dad. He’s been my dad since I was three. The story goes that the first time we met he bought me an orange pop. I wouldn’t drink it. But eventually I warmed up to him. He was my every day. We had inside jokes, we picked on my mom together – lovingly of course -- and he called me his “Bug”.  Like his tomato plants he raised me up, just like his father had done before with him and his brother and sisters.  He checked on me every day. Unlike his tomatoes I was a teenage girl for a few years, so we’ll skip over that part of our relationship. When I moved away to college he was nervous for me but knew I needed to learn some hard lessons on my own. He was proud when I graduated from grad school and when I got married- this man of very few words told me he was proud of me. That meant the world to me.

We knew not to discuss politics but we could always talk fishing. Fishing was our bond, along with quoting old movie lines. I’m so honored that he decided to be my dad.  He took very good care of my mom and me.  He taught both of us about the value of hard work, the value of a dollar and to nurture the things we care about most. He didn’t have to be my dad, but he was. I’m a lucky girl to get to be something he was dedicated to.

Rest well Dad. We love you very much. Jesus has you now and I’m so happy for that.

Dear 14 Year Old Self

My dear cousin asked me to write a letter to a 14 year old young lady that is important to her.  The purpose of the letter was to share, as an experienced - fine, older - woman, advice on life in high school.  I could have written five pages, at least, but kept it to these highlights. 

I'm sharing with all of you hoping it might help a 14 year old you love and care about as she enters high school. 

As you enter high school here is a quick bullet list of items
I wish I would have known:

•   Tis better to have a few quality, close friends than 100 friends that you can’t count on, don’t really know that well and/or can’t trust
•  Your parents are doing the best they can. Yes, they are. It may not always feel like it, but they are.
•  Your parents love you. And they show that by having rules and curfews and saying “no” to you occasionally.
•  Read this book: “10 Stupid Things Women do to Mess Up Their Lives” by Dr. Laura Schlessinger before you graduate from high school
•  Read this book: “Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No-To Take Control of Your Life” by Cloud and Townsend before you leave for college
•  Really care about your grades and LEARN.  Seems simple and the point of high school, but really actually listen and learn. Math skills really do come in handy. And a basic knowledge of history is needed in everyday life.  Actually read the books that are assigned in Literature class. You will care about having a good GPA at the end of your high school career, so might as well start off on the right foot.
• After you graduate::: Go to college. Start with a community college for two years if you don’t know what you want to do, but transfer to a reputable four year state or private school to graduate from. More on this in a future letter "what to know for your senior year".
•  Boys/guys/young men, if they are of good character and actually love you, will NOT want you to give up your innocence – protect your virginity. 
•  Don’t date guys that are mama’s boys and/or are co-dependent – call me if you have questions about this
•  Time with girlfriends is important and should be protected.  Once you have a boyfriend make sure that you both take time to spend with your own friend groups – separately. It’s healthy.
•  Pray. Talk to God. He cares and wants to hear from you.
•  Be thankful to God. Everything you have is because of Him. He has your back.
•  Be Joyful. Find joy in the small stuff; choose joy in the hard moments.
•      Thessalonians 5:16-18
• Hold tight to your beliefs.  Some of which I'm sure you are stilling learning what you believe - but the ones you are confident in, the core of them - HOLD FIRM. Do NOT be ashamed that you believe in God. Do NOT be afraid to voice your opinion, do it respectfully.
• Clarity over Agreement. When voicing your opinion and/or belief don't worry about the other person agreeing with you, just be sure that you have been clear on what you believe and you are clear on their stance.  It is okay to agree to disagree.      
•  Be self-aware. Not self-conscience. Just self-aware. Think about: how do the words I say affect others? Am I carrying myself in a respectful manner?
•  If you would be ashamed to tell your grandfather (or pick a strong male family member that you respect) about what you are about to do, then DON’T DO IT. Trust your gut.  
• If you do not have a strong male family member PLEASE don't go looking for a boy to fill that hole in your life. He can't. He's just a "boy", he doesn't know things that men do. That is not permission to date older men...they probably don't have your best interest in mind either.
•  Have fun, try new things – comfort is overrated.
•  Men are not the enemy. You can be a strong woman without hating men. Don't talk down to them. They are not dogs - don't think you can "train" them.
•  Its okay to get into trouble sometimes…nothing CRAZY or illegal. But it’s not the end of the world, it will feel like it when you get punished but that punishment will also teach you a lesson.
• Don't lie. Just don't. It's NEVER worth it. Ever. You will get caught EVERY TIME. No one will trust you.
• Don't gossip. No one will trust you.
• Be nice. Yep, that's the closer to this. Be nice. Don't be a pushover, but be nice. Be polite. There is no need to be rude. Bitchy is NOT cute or funny- it's bitchy. Be nice. 

God loves you. Cliché? Yes. But it’s TRUTH. Hold onto that you and you’ll be just fine.

For Cryin' Out Loud

Wanna hear me make a fool of myself on National Radio???

I called the Dennis Prager Show on Valentine's Day during the Happiness Hour.

We love Dennis Prager. He's our favorite Jew, other than Jesus.

We think he is wise. He is not perfect, but we have learned a lot from him.

All of that to illustrate that we REALLY respect him.

and then this happened....

(minute: 22:32)

http://pragertopia.com/2014/02/14/dennis-prager-radio-show-20140214-hr-2/

wow. idiot. 

I'm sure he must have been SO impressed.

3 Rants and Rave: Round 2

Rant: When people ask the WORLD, usually via the Facebook, questions that they could just Google the answer on their own. 

Hey you:  be self-sufficient, I'm not the Google. 

Rant: When you are excited about something and someone tries to "one up" you. What is that? We call them One Uppers at our house. 

Hey you: Get off my cloud...wait, no, get on my cloud- there is room for everyone.  We can all be excited about something, this is NOT a competition.

One Uppers: 1. get self-aware, please. 2. I'm not telling you my good stuff to make you jealous, I want to hear your good stuff too- share away, but could you put your listening ears on first, please?  I promise to give you the same respect.

Rant: When people say The Facebook, The Google, The Interwebs...what?! Oh. That's me.
Hey Me: Acknowledged. And I blame Nate.

Rave: To the Mama at the grocery store today that actually told her children "No, you may not have that" - good job!  To the same Mama that when her child said, "Mama, when I was at Kaley's house we...." and the Mama ACTUALLY listened to her child and then ENGAGED her with questions and more conversation. The Mama did not pick up her iPhone or give her the brush off, she actually LISTENED and SPOKE to her child. There was no "Mama, Mama, Mama, Mama..." So refreshing. 

Yes, being a mom is exhausting and it's not always easy to engage...I'm not talking about that right now, I just want to give this one Mama a shout out for (at least) appearing to care what her daughter had to say. Again. So refreshing. Good job, Mama.

2014 Words to Pray On

One of our wise church elders, Dr. Schommer, asked a group of us three-ish years ago, to think about what word describes our current struggle or needed/wanted growth area in our faith.

At that time Nate chose Calm. I chose Joy. (I know, y’all are shocked…it was my first year of learning to Choose Joy, so it made sense).

The next year my word was Listen, Listen to God- what is He saying to me?  And Nate’s word was Calm. Yes again. He was really working on being, acting, remaining Calm.

In 2013 my word was Discipline and Nate’s were Courage and Wisdom.

2014 has arrived and I have my words chosen.

This year my personal word is Grace. My ego thought I was pretty great at being graceful, however it was pointed out to me that I have some work to do on that.  Therefore I, graciously, accept that constructive critique and will be working on giving Grace, to others and to myself.  The scripture I will use to guide and remind me is Colossians 4:6 (NLT).

Colossians 4:2-6

Context: this is from Paul’s letter to the city of Colosse.

² Devote yourselves to prayer with an alert mind and a thankful heart. ³ Pray for us, too, that God will give us many opportunities to speak about his mysterious plan concerning Christ. That is why I am here in chains. ⁴ Pray that I will proclaim this message as clearly as I should. ⁵ Live wisely among those who are not believers, and make the most of every opportunity.⁶ Let your conversation be gracious and attractive so that you will have the right response for everyone.

I have a secondary word that I am sharing with a dear friend.  We are working being on Intentional, with our words and actions.

Nate is still deciding on his word. It might be Focus. I’ll update y’all when he decides.

So! What’s YOUR word to pray on this year?  I’d love to pray on it for (with) you. 

#20Bags20Days: Day 1

Choose 20 places (or 30 or 40, according to your family and home size) that need to be de-cluttered and/or transformed. Remove what you don't need/use/want and then toss it or donate it.

Apparently this project will be like confessing my hidden messy areas. I think I'll only show you a few, maybe more impressive transformations...I have a reputation to keep. Ha.

Day 1: The Linen Closet~ 

yes, this is our linen closet. yes, it is that small. yes, it is the only one we have.

BEFORE: here it is. for shame.

SIDE NOTE: I'd like to "blame" this hotttttt mess (below) on how high those shelves are.  In order to put anything in this closet above the middle section of band-aids, aloe vera and Advil I have to use a step stool. And yes, I occasionally just toss things up there and hope they stay.

AFTER: Ahhh.So.Much.Better.

Let's see how long I can keep this neat and tidy, step stool still required.

BAG COUNT: 2

1. one plastic regular-sized Target bag went into the garbage 

2. one large 13 gallon garbage bag ready for donation!

ALSO- why have I never bothered to paint the inside of that closet? It's hideous! 

Adding a paint job for the Linen Closet to our summer to-do list!

New Year's: Fresh Start

Cliché? Too bad. 

If you know me at all you know I love a fresh start, 

what’s more of a fresh start than the New Year? 

(also, I loathe the number 13, so I'm glad I can stop typing it everyday. yes, i have issues.)

We chose a few things that we can realistically

 accomplish in 2014. 

 It can't be accomplished if you don't try it!

Phillips 2014: Realistic Expectations

Savings jar: An easy way to save an extra $1378 this year ~ then we will doing something super fun with the money in 2015.

for the savings schedule click here

Friday night chores: This is a non-issue in the winter, however from May-September all we really want to do it be out on the boat throwing a line in. So we thought it was time to get balanced and compromised with the fish- we’ll stay off the lake on Friday nights and stay at home, eat at home and work on house projects. We’d really like to sell in two or three years but there are some projects that need our undivided attention before any calls to a realtor can be made. [will this be the year the kitchen cabinets FINALLY get refinished???]

20 bags in 20 days: I saw this idea on a friend’s Instagram (thanks Jenn Stricker at Random Vintage Finds ! She’s super crafty and smart)

Choose 20 (or 30 or 40- we are doing 20 because it’s just the two of us and our house is small) places in your home and then over the next 20 days fill a bag from each place, then toss or donate what you are cleaning out. Totally realistic.

Example places: bathroom closet, buffet, pantry, vanity/jewelry boxes, et cetera

And of course, as always (well, since 2010): 

CHOOSE JOY!  We will choose to be happy. We will not concentrate on the crappy. We will live in reality. We will count our blessings. We will be thankful everyday, especially Thursdays. We will pray that you find joy in the everyday.

CP’s Goals for 2014

Run: 4 days a week minimum

Low Carb Life: There is always some special occasion, that’s great but it’s not an excuse to eat pasta, bread, potatoes or dessert- so I’m going to knock that off.

Read 2 books a month: one Christian, one secular.  Check out my Goodreads link to the left.  Join Goodreads here

Daily Devotions: Jesus Calling by Sarah Young ( Facebook link )

Celebrate Wedding Anniversaries: when is yours? I’d be honored to pray for your marriage and recognize it as something you work at every day.  Birthdays are great, but we didn’t really DO anything – our mothers just gave birth…maybe we should be gifting mothers on our birthdays? We choose to be married. We choose to stay married. Marriage should be celebrated.

Scrapbook: I love it. Why don’t I ever do it? I am going to intentionally do this thing I love. I’m going to use supplies I have and not buy anything new

(only exceptions: Danielle’s wedding, State Fair entries and/or if it’s for a gift)

Make cards/Send cards: Thank yous, birthdays, anniversaries, get wells, sympathies…all of them. Recognize them.  A chance to be crafty.  A chance to love on someone.

Happy New Year, friends.

The Phillips: Vow Renewal in Vegas!

Nate and I met when I was 21 and he was 19. We met on a Thursday, had our first date a few Sundays later and we have been together every since. It's never been perfect, but how boring would that be!?

We grow together, we support each other's goals and dreams, we trust in God to get us through all of it. 

...maybe it is perfect. Our perfect.

On October 18th, 2013

Nate & Christina and Eric & Crystal renewed their vows in a double ceremony

in Las Vegas at The Elvis Chapel

Nate and Christina

We did not want a large, formal wedding when we got married on May 1, 2004.

We had one anyway. Lame. 

Facts of a Friendship

Crystal and I went to high school and college together

 Crystal and Eric met two months before Nate and I met each other

Crystal and I "broke up" for TEN years. We call it our divorce. It sucked.

We "got back together" 6ish years ago. Thank God.

Crystal & Eric and Nate & I got married during that ten year hiatus

Crystal and I were both sad on our wedding days that our best friend wasn't standing next to us

We needed to fix that!

Nate and I always wanted to run off to an island or find a cheesy Elvis in Vegas to make us official.

Crystal & Eric were up for the adventure and wanted to renew their vows too.

This also satisfied Crystal & Christina's need to have each other

 as "the bitch up front" (aka matron on honor, we are so classy)

We finally did it- on October 18, 2013!

Here are some of our fave photos for our 4 day Las Vegas Vow Renewal Adventure

Mr. and Mrs. R

Mrs. P

The Crew

at the Venetian- how cool are these guys?!

Crystal being beautiful

The guys being...well...them.

ha. love this one of Nate.

So cheesy-rific!

Crystal channeling her inner Elvis

Bitches up front

Limo rides. Of course our driver, David, was from Minnesota. 

And of course Eric made friends with him.

It was perfectly warm and Vegas-y

They are rarely serious.

Good times were had by all!

3 Rants and a Rave

3 Rants and a Rave!

New Segment to the blog- which I suspect will usually occur shortly after visiting Target, the grocery store or somewhere with copious amounts of children and/or crazy people. Meh, it is what it is.

Yes, I live by the mantra CHOOSE JOY! I'm trying. Every.Day.

But I also live in reality. Things bug me, things annoy me, and some things make me want me to punch people in the wrist. 

Ideally I’d like this to be 3 Raves and a Rant. We’ll see how that goes.

But today- for the first installment of this new segment:::

Three Ridic things I saw at Target over my lunch hour on Monday and then one thing that gave me hope in mankind.

THE RIDIC:

•   Hey lady- changing your newborn baby’s diaper. On the bench. Next to the automatic exit door. Your baby is screaming because THIS IS MINNESOTA, its 23 degrees out, your baby is naked and the door keeps opening- 30 more seconds and I would've taken your baby from you. Not sure you are smart enough to neither raise her nor keep her safe.
•  Two women, with carts, facing opposite directions (I know you've ALL experienced this). They are stopped, they are talking. They ignore my THREE “excuse me, please”/”excuse me, I just want to scoot past”/”pardon me, please”. NOTHING. They just look at me. REALLY?! It’s that hard to move to the side and let me through so I can get to the items I want to purchase?  I suspect these are the same people that would get furious if you did this to them. Ugh, narcissism- hard to escape it.
• Child in line in front of me wants to help his mom, well that’s cute enough. Then demands a sticker from the cashier as a reward for helping. The cashier COMPLIES (more on her later). The mother answers her iPhone and does not tell her child to 1) be polite. 2) don’t be rude. 3) be polite. The child, at NO point, says THANK YOU. Really?! Really?! He was 5ish, totally capable of this simple gesture.

THE RAVE!  

                As I unloaded my cart of Target goodies, yes of course triple the amount of what I went there to get, the cashier starts singing “Monday, Monday”.  She is SMILING! She is SINGING! She is HAPPY! Her attitude= contagious!!!  We then spent 4 minutes discussing all of the songs that she can sing on different days of the week.  She (Cheryl- North Saint Paul Target) was a pure joy to encounter.  Cheers to Cheryl for her great attitude and not letting that rude little boy change her mood. Cheers to a great customer service experience. Cheers to her contagious positive attitude! 

Reflection::: Top 10 Lessons of My 37 Years

So Predictable: had a birthday = life reflection time.

Yesterday was my birthday so I, of course, was doing some reflection on the last 37 years. I don't plan on repeating that number aloud much over the next year. 

 I now understand why people say "I'm 30-something". yep. totally get it.

My Top 10 lessons learned (not in order, necessarily) in my 37 years:

1. Embrace the power of coffee.

2. Don't lie. Yes, easy as that. Just don't.

(side note on this one, if you don't know this already:

If you LIE to me, I will find out. I will call you out. I will hold you accountable.)

3. Be thankful.

4. Sugar is yummy but very dangerous.

5. Comfort is overrated.

6. Have boundaries with your relationships. 
Boundaries, fences with gates.
 Not brick walls.

7. My relationship with Jesus is FAR MORE IMPORTANT than what anyone thinks about me, any other relationship and/or myself. 

Don't be ashamed of your relationship with Jesus.

8. Keep your finger off the trigger, but know where it's at and how to use it.

9. Don't procrastinate. Stay organized.

    

10. Choose Joy.